There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
