Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
