Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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