Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
