First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
