i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
