wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
