she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
