Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
