I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
