Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just blew my weed a kiss
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
