Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
