Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
