Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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