I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just pynch a tree in the face
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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