ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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