so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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