I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
