So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
