paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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