Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
