I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
