i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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