grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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