I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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