my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
