Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
