Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
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I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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