So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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