I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
