I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
