Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I can text with my tongue
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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