I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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