They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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