May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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