My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
