Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
