the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
