Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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