planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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