Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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