Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
