FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
