Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
