I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have aggressive nipples.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
