i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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