Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
