Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
