Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
