Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
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