Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I color on your dick again?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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