So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
