I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
