mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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