This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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