I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
