When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
