"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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